Many life events, including illness or death of someone close (see Death of a Family Member or Loved One), divorce, and bullying, are scary or unpleasant for children. Even events that do not directly affect the child, such as natural disasters, war, or terrorism, may cause anxiety. Fears about all of these, rational or irrational, can preoccupy a child. Parents may avoid discussing anxiety-provoking events, such as a shooting in a school in another community, with their child in the hope their child is unaware of the event. It might be better for parents to assume their child is aware of the event and gently explore the child's understanding of it. It is best for the child to learn about, or at least discuss, an anxiety-provoking event with a parent.
Children often have difficulty talking about unpleasant topics. However, open discussion can help the child deal with difficult or embarrassing topics and dispel irrational fears. A child needs to know that anxiety is normal and that anxious feelings will lessen over time. Parents who routinely discuss difficult topics with their children from an early age often find their children more open to talking about the complex issues they face as adolescents.
Parents should discuss difficult topics during a quiet time, in a safe and comfortable place, and when the child is
interested. Parents should remain calm, present factual information, and give the child undivided attention. Acknowledging what the child says with phrases such as "I understand" or with a quiet nod encourages the child to confide. Reflecting back what the child says is also encouraging. For example, if a child mentions anger about a divorce, a parent could say, "So the divorce makes you angry" or "Tell me more about that." Asking how the child feels can also encourage discussion of sensitive emotions or fears. For example, fear of abandonment by the noncustodial parent during a divorce or guilt for causing the divorce.
By talking about their own feelings, parents encourage children to acknowledge their fears and concerns. For example, about a divorce, a parent might say, "I am sad about the divorce, too. But, I also know it is the right thing for mommy and daddy to do. Even though we cannot live together anymore, we will both always love you and take care of you." By doing this, parents are able to discuss their own feelings, offer reassurance, and explain that divorce is the right choice for them. Many children, particularly younger ones, need to hear the same message repeatedly. Parents should not underestimate the value of the reassurance offered by these messages.
A parent may also have to address a difficult aspect of the child's own behavior. For example, a parent who suspects the child or adolescent of using drugs or alcohol should address the issue directly with the child. A parent might say, "I am worried that you are using drugs. I feel this way because. . . ." It is important for the parent to speak in a clear and calm manner, expressing both the concerns about the child's behavior as well as their support and love. After the parent's concerns have been stated, the child should be offered an opportunity to speak. The child and the parent should develop a plan of action that may include an appointment with a pediatrician or a counselor.
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